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Aug 5, 2005
*Takes a deep breath* I think I'm ready. Or, will be, soon. You can all jump for joy and squeal like piggies ;)
I don't even know how long it's been, how long I've managed to cleanse myself of all that drama. I don't remember the last time I talked to him because I erased everything that reminded me of him, mostly all his e-mails. But after seeing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, you kind of realize that no matter how much you try to put something so dear to you aside...it will always be with you. After having people leave my life forever, never to return or breathe another breath of air, I do know that feeling. There are just some people that will always be with you, no matter what. I couldn't erase him even if I tried, or wanted to.
I think I just need to accept that. As much as I always tell myself that it's okay and that certain people will always have a place in my heart...he was different. I fought against it and, in turn, tormented myself. *small laugh* I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with getting help or having that shoulder to cry on. It was never him who made me strong...it was me. But I felt that I was being weak because of it.
I like where I am right now, you know? I told myself that I would contact him once I discovered more of myself, and I have. I think the reason for my haste is because I don't want to miss anything...for all I know, he could be married right now! And I would be so pissed off if I wasn't invited to the wedding :p ya hear that? *shakes fist* He said I was the closest thing to a siter, and I'm going to do my best to be a part of his life, as if I truly was a faimly member. Otherwise, what kind of friend would i be? Life is too short to be spiteful.
Ah, it just, it feels so great! I've set a deadline for this week, so that I'll actually go ahead with it. I need someone to understand me right now....and as much as I love posting here for all my witty blogs ;) ...there's a difference between writing something and knowing that people will understand and actually writing something and being shown the people that do understand :)
So my advice...just go out and talk to someone about whatever you like, anything that's been eating up inside you--because it will kill you one day. And it almost killed me.
Ciao, kiddies!
Posted at 06:26 pm by drmgurl4evr
Jun 1, 2005
"You and Me" by Lifehouse:
What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time
Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right
Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
Y'know, despite not finishing a paper and having finals coming up....things seem beautiful when there's an acoustic guitar in the background drowning out the noise :) No woes today... but a simple lesson:
Smile and enjoy life because it truly is magical. Take time for yourself to listen to your favorite song, just letting the music seep in, or stop and just look around at how beautiful nature is, or just smell the fresh air when you can--unless you live in, say, L.A....then you can get an air cleaner in your home ;)
Take care all ^_^ because it's you and me living in this world.....and we may as well be happy while doing so
Posted at 10:20 am by drmgurl4evr
May 28, 2005
"One day, my prince will come..."
Or so the princess of Fairy-tale Land said. Sitting here now, with tears coming out of my eyes, I'm beginning to wonder if this is all some kind of dream. But then I realize that these tears come from my hurt and my pain and I know that I am awake.
Y'know, you'd think that after watching Pretty Woman, I'd be happy. In fact, I typically am after watching hopeless-romantic moments because it feels like I'm watching a window to the future. Right now, though, I on't feel happy at all, I simply feel empty. Just like Julia Roberts in the movie, I don't care about money or the glamour or anything like that; I just want that feeling. I want to be able to lie in my bed and think, "I don't want to go to sleep, I'd rather be awake" because my dreams wouldn't compare to the greatness that is reality, being able to be held in his arms and listen to his heartbeat. That's all I've ever really wanted, that feeling, that sense that even if the world is messed up, at least one thing makes sense and feels so right.
I get really sick of people complaining about their relationships, and this is the main reason of why I am in tears at the moment. They don't see how lucky they are to even just have a person to be worried about. I've been through heartaches before, and frankly, I would rather have those right now than nothing. For those scared of heartbreak: I would like to trade. Why? Because even if my heart gets broken, at least I'd be able to feel something, anything, instead of this...void. I haven't been in a total, head-over-heels relationship for a long time, but I would risk even devastation for it--after all, the heart does mend.
But what really irks me is the fact that they take it all for granted. What I wouldn't give for that chance to have what those people have, even if it isn't forever-lasting, because passionate love is so important. The thing I want most of all is what they have: knowing that there is someone literally out there for them. Oh, I know there is someone out there for me, you've all heard of my hopeless romantic talk. But that is different. What I wouldn't give just to have a name...to have a face...to have something. Eric, in my mind, is emotionally want I want (that feeling, as said earlier)...but I do know that, as the physical embodiment of "The One", he will not be that way (unless by some chance I am psychic--which is rare). I want to be able to know the little things, like what his favorite music is or what his nicknames are. At least they know how far away their love is, I do not. Whether a mile, or 5 kilometers, I want to know. I want to know what makes him laugh or what he likes to do for fun. I want to know all the things everyone doesn't appreciate knowing. Something concrete. I miss that, the solidarity of relationships.
The already-shed tears on my face have dried, leaving a sensation that says, "I was here upon your cheek." Newly pouring tears come out to announce their arrival for all to see, ever flowing, ever drying to leave that note that says, "I was here," ever a reminder of the pain. But for one day even....I want to feel that special kiss so that I can cherish its departing words forever: "I was here upon your cheek."
And perhaps one day I will make that a poem ;)
In the meantime...I think my tears have stopped. *Big sigh* As to the title of this, I do believe that for some people they acquire an ability to be lonely. I, for one, am one of those people. But is that The End for the fairytale? Hardly. But who wants a fairytale anyway? Princesses have to wear itchy, poofy dresses, which aren't my style. I don't necessarily need a fairytale right now... I just need somebody to teach me how not to be lonely anymore (not just giving me some title like "girlfriend"--because anyone can fish somebody out of the big pond--but make it worthwhile), because I'll be damned if I stay this way, I won't allow it. It's funny, everytime I write something like this it starts out with me doubting so much and being the screwed up person I am; however, in the end, I cure myself as always. I guess it's pretty hard to keep me down for long, huh?
Goes to show, you'll only learn to be lonely if you let yourself stay that way. Have hope, have heart, things will work out. And if you're tired of waiting, we can wait together. I'll hold you up if you're tired even if I'm exhausted, because if all the world does not believe, then I will be the only exception. Perhaps my parents named me Faith for a reason, you think?
"One day my prince will come...." And then ye shall rejoice whilst I do my best not to do the "See?! What did I tell you?!" dance ;)
Posted at 11:45 pm by drmgurl4evr
May 5, 2005
So what happens when somebody hurts you? You have one of many choices:
A. Kill them
B. Beat them.
C. Forgive them.
Now...while A and B sound appealing at first, it might not necessarily be worth it. Unless, of course, you think that having a new friend named Bob that waits for you to drop the soap in the shower is worth the crime...I suposse that is up to you. Me, however, no thanks. And it's funny, it could possibly be easier for me to take the A and B options--who would suspect the crazy, nice asian girl who seemingly wouldn't hurt a fly?--but, no.
Hurt will come and hurt will go. I've seen too many people hold onto the hurt and let it take ahold of their lives. And yet, they'll say, "Oh, I'm over it." Well, sorry guys, but you aren't! The thing is, if you hold a grudge, it holds on to you too. Been there, done that.
Ever hear of a thing called the Bitter Stage? Basically, it's like menopause for everyone--yippee!--except replace the hot flashes with clenched fists. It is not as fun as it sounds. I remember when I was in this stage...it can last up to a few days to even a few years. I remember when I would curse Josh's name under my breath and want nothing to do with him. "He had his chance," I'd say. But c'mon, he was such a JERK *whine whine*. Actually, truth was, he wasn't. Okay, wait, scratch that, he WAS. Haha, BUT, that was just part of his personality and had nothing to do with what happened. So...that's okay. But all those times when I took a left to avoid him or roll my eyes in his direction, I could have done something productive.
Hell, with all the time spent with all the (sarcasm alert!) mature things I was doing and my great attitude I had against him....I could have probably learned Latin!
And, of course, I do have a point. I hope that those of you who read this get something out of this (as I feel about all my other stuff I share).
Dulce et utile. Pleasurable and useful. (Okay, so maybe I picked up a *little* bit of Latin....but I could have been FLUENT!)
Anywho...it just is not worth it, thinking those thoughts, thinking of making voodoo dolls, or even doing the whole ignoring-thing. Trust me, unless one has "invisible vision"....they are still there and they still exist.
I for one know how it feels to be hurt. Y'know, you get into mopey mode, or even "Holy crap, I'm going to run over someone with my car" mode :p I've been in both, at the same time too. Fun, fun times. I also know how difficult it is to forgive. But "to forgive" does nto mean you're saying that what they did was OK--not at all! It really means that you are ready to move on and (if you want it to) it can mean that they are not worth your time acting like an ass. The only person you should waste your effort acting like an ass for is some crazy boss who wants you to dress up as a donkey! Or...maybe not. Then again, people will do *anything* for money. Speaking of needing money, watch my webcam for the low price of-- oh, nevermind.
My life has been much easier when I just let go of all the angst and the whatever-it-was I was holding onto. I remember watching t.v. once and someone said that when you don't forgive someone it's like carrying a dead body on your back wherever you go. Well, let them go. It isn't merely for them, it is for YOU. Besides, lord, how long will you wait to carry a dead carcass on your body? Talk about the smell1 So... Let. It. Go. You will thank me later, I promise.
I don't have much else to say, except that I myself have forgiven yet another person...it took me, actually, a few years. Better late than never, eh? And FYI...it has nothing to do with religion or anything like that, this is for people who have a burden on their shoulders who want to let it go and be free. It isn't easy, mind you...but well worth it. I could elaborate more....but Calculus awaits and I can't say no >.<;; bleeech.
You will never forget....but at least when you forgive, you can live. So damnit, go out there and live! I'll still be here when you get back! ^_^
Posted at 10:37 pm by drmgurl4evr
Mar 6, 2005
Okay, so perhaps this isn't exactly what the title of this entry entails.... no sexy beasts here. Well, maybe there is under this purple robe.....but that's for someone else's eyes only, sorry ~_^
Anyway, my point is...
I am NOT shallow. It's funny though, because I'm so far from shallow it is ridiculous. So what if hot men give me shivers, sexy eyes make me melt, and drool when I hear a nice accent? I can't exactly help being attracted...and I'm not about to lie and say that it doesn't make me wanna jump into a hot tub with a bunch of hot, sexy-eyed, accented men. I can't help it if aussies make my knees shake or I want to run my fingers through long locks of hair. That is just who I am, I s'posse. Whatever floats my boat, eh?
But I guess I'm very vocal about it to say the least. Everyone in the universe knows about my obsession with aussies. Actually, everyone knows a lot about me simply because I tend to mention it a lot. *shrugs* what can I say, I'm a very open person. I'm just afraid that that's the only side people know of me... if everyone just thinks I'm some shallow girl who is only interested in the beautiful and the accented.
Well, newsflash: I'm not.
If you were to ask me what turns me on most about a man, you know what people would think I'd say? An accent, gorgeous eyes, long hair, strong arms, nice pecks, six-pack abs, model face, etc. etc.
In reality? Intelligence.
That might come as a shock to a lot of you, but dagnabbit, it's true. True as toasted toads. I absolutely love a man who can speak his mind, who can have intellectual conversations, who can use words that sound so...intelligent. Like, "elucidate"--thanks brandon ;) Y'know, it is because of this that I think Marilyn Manson is sexy. I'm sorry for not warning you ahead of time before saying that, so if you're feeling a little lightheaded and dizzy from my comment, sit down and rest your head between your knees so as not to pass out! I'm not liable for you passing out... so don't go all sue-happy on me! Anywho, I'm serious. It doesn't matter to me that Manson never has matching eyeballs, looks like a corpse, or sings the craziest songs known to man. I just find him so enthralling because I know he is an intellectual. If you hear him in an interview, it is kind of astonishing. I don't know, maybe that's why I think a lot of gothic guys are sexy--the tall dark and handsome types--because they tend to be intelligent, from my experience. One of my good friends, Nathan (RIP man) was just the type... he liked wearing black, he liked being rebellious and unique, he was tall, he had a deep, alarming voice (which scared people, haha), but deep down? He was smarter than ME.
I know, I talk about hot guys a lot and I swoon too much for my own good... But maybe I need to stamp my forehead w/ the words "I'm not shallow!" :p
I can just picture having these great converesations with my future hubby.. arguing about politics, talkingn about school subjects, etc. etc. And I find it to be so romantic & endearing ^_^ Because looks won't last forever, but intellect, that's hard to break. Besides, like I said, I'm not shallow... and when I love a person more, they get more and more attractive--which is why looks aren't important to me in the long run. In fact, if you could see my track record..... none of the men in my life have been "hot" or even "cute" for that matter--except for the rare exceptions when I completely lucked out. Besides, how boring would iti be for a man to agree all the time? Yuck. If I wanted that, I'd just get a puppy. For those who saw The Notebook (for the diehard romantics), it's the difference between having a Noah and having a.... damn, i don't even remember his name. See? It proves my point... Noah is the intellectual, think-for-himself kind of guy so obviously he's better than what's-his-name, especially since I can't even remember what's-his-name's name. Sure, Noah and Ally wouuld argue... but what matters is "that they were crazy for each other"--or whatever the movie said.
I'm not really sure if this is quite a rant or more of an infomercial.... so I'm not sure if I need to end this with a "Oh, I feel better" or a 1-800 number for you to call to find out more surprising things about me.
Posted at 11:30 am by drmgurl4evr
Feb 8, 2005
Beauty in the eye of the beholder?
Oh my gosh.. I'm so ugly.... doooooooooooon't look at meeeeeeeeeee.......... noooooooo.....
Says the totally beautiful people :p
Why do people think this way? Apparently their eyes must be playing tricks with them! I just can't understand why anyone would say that about themself. Wait no, actually, I can. I was reading my diaries from when i was little (holy hell has my handwriting improved!--not to mention grammar--I can now distinguish between "too", "to", and "two" aren't you proud?) .... and then I saw one entry that said something like:
"I am the worst person in the world, I am so ugly, I am mean!"
The first thing I said when i read that was, "What the HELL was I thinking?!". You know what changed? Self esteem... confidence... being able to value myself. When I was little, I didn't really seperate any of those... I either was totally in love with myself or thought I was uglier than Satan. Mood swings of an elementary school girl, eh? But now, I'm able to appreciate my worth... I know I'm beautiful. I may not admit it to anyone else, but I know deep down and even on the outside that I am. The reason I don't admit it (normally) to anyone ot brag about it or anything is because well... I don't have to. The only person that needs to hear it is myself. But on the offchance you catch me in a joking mood and find me saying, "Oh--yeah, sorry, it was my hotness!" when someone says "Damn, it's hot in here", or saying with pride "I AM beautiful".... then, I supposse you are lucky. Just consider me.... modest to the extreme? Everyone can, quite literally, go screw themselves (Heh, I learned from House that you can die from sex... ur heart rate goes up, your blood pressure, your temperature... yeah, gotta love it!) because I don't quite care what others think anyway.
I don't want a man to call me beautiful.. I'd prefer if he called me intelligent or witty. After all, looks fade, but adoration does not (which is why personality is important and "dumb models" are eye candy--good to the taste, but by itself for long periods of time? Not great for adults. But! Kids love candy... so... "hot for teacher" comes to mind!).
Besides, did I ever say "Woe is me.. I'm uuuuuuuuugly, OMG, DON'T LOOK!! YOUR POOR EYES!!!" ? Of course not. I'm not about to degrade myself, I know better. Other people though? Well...
*smacks wooden pointer on the green chalkboard, creating a loud smack*
LESSON ONE! Everyone you're comparing yourself to--the "beautiful ones"? Guess what? Botox, Lyposuction, air brushing, wrinkle cream, face lifts, colored contacts, teeth whitening strips, personal trainers, fake boobs, steroids... etc. etc. That's what makes them "beautiful", for the most part. Good for you! You idolize a botoxed, lypo-ed, air brushed, fake person! Or, as I like to call it, the "fake exterior" person.. or for short, the fakie--not to be confused with skateboarding... though their faces could make good skateboards, you could bounce quarters off of them. The truth is...nobody is as perfect as you make them out to be. Behind the face lifts, tummy tucks, whatever else, you got a person who would have wrinkles, normal-looking teeth, average breasts, etc. We all have flaws, the trick is to embrace them. Your idea of beautiful doesn't exist....look at the average woman with a little chubby-ness here and crows feet by her eyes.. that's the definition of the beautiful average woman. Case in point... have you seen Pamela anderson without her makeup on and hair done? YEESH. Like I said, it takes a whole lotta things to keep them looking perfect.
But I digress... you know what i think about "perfection".
*smakcs chalkboard again, pointing to her next point*
Oops, sorry, did I scare you? I didn't mean to smack the chalkboard too hard... but *looks to the back of the room* I see I've woken up a few people at least. LESSON TWO! If your definition of beauty is no longer.... real.. let's get to the real definition. You've heard it a billion times and frankly you'll hear it again from me--there is no escaping it. It's kind of like Richard Simmons, he simply won't go away. Well, here it is: Beauty is only skin deep. Yup! We don't say it over and over simply because we like our voice (unlike some people I know)... we say it because it's true. Beauty is on the inside. Haven't you ever met some super hot person only to realize, "Holy crap--he is such a dickwad!"? Or, if it's a woman, replace "he" with "she" and "dickwad" with... well, maybe you can keep that word, *giggles*. You know why someone is truly beautiful? Because their personality is. It's their smile, it's their love, it's THEM. You need to seperate infatuation and lust from "beautiful". People are beautiful because their inside reflects it. Lust and infatuation can occur for people who don't have a great personality, true, but who really cares? Unless you become a hooker, it should not concern you in the long run (unless you're into that sort of thing!--or "things" if you know what I mean!).
I'm assuming you know this all already... and for a lot of people, they do know this, it just doesn't register in their heads. And that's okay. It just means it's more work that's all.
LESSON 3! Trick is... don't compare yourself to anyone else. Not even the average ones. There IS no such thing as average, to be honest, because every person is differenet and it'd be stupid to make an average of apples, oranges, and lemons. While all are yummy in their own right, you can't quite compare them. So guess what? DON'T. What matters is you, not anyone else. So I'd actually applaude if you said, "Oh, fuck off!" because at least you're thinking for yourself ;) It's okay to think of yourself, it doesn't mean you're conceited, just means that you have your priorities straight. Though, don't become extreme and become a heartless bitch... that's not what I mean. Take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
LESSON 4! *ahem* Jeremy, wake up back there!! I said, wake up! *cough* Okay. So... in order to appreciate yourself on the outside, first come up with what you like on the inside. What do you like about yourself? What do others like about you? Keep ALL the negatives away. This is like one of those clubs where you put up a sign that says "No bettys allowed!" when you're little, except, it's "No negatives allowed!".... sure, it's a bit mean to the negatives, but they'll live. ONLY positive things are allowed in this club... nyah nyah!
LESSON 5! Nothing is wrong with you. This is all negativity's fault. Yes, I know, you're not suppossed to blame anyone and you shouldn't use a scapegoat... but seriously, it's all negativity's fault! Somehow it got in your brain and it's making you think these things. And that's okay. What's not okay is if you let it continue to do so. Kick its butt! Give it a big kick in the behind! The hard thing is to find the root of this negativity... where is this guy reproducing from? Well, find out, and throw it a condom! Lol. No, but seriously.... usually this doesn't happen overnight. It's some sort of self-esteem issue, some sort of reaction to an event long ago of some sort.
LESSON 6! Don't push help away. YOU know who your true friends are, so let them help you. If you feel comfortable talking to your friend, tell them what's truly on your mind. Just because people are trying to help you does not make them a bad person. I know it's difficult, but you gotta let *someone* in. Trust me, they aren't doing this for their benefit, they're doing it for *your* benefit... because frankly, it isn't a walk in the park for them. But be HAPPY that they love you enough to stick around through all this. Take their helping hand, because it hurts to reach out your hand for so long without you grabbing it. Can someone say, arm cramps?
If you have anythingn else to say.. add it. Pass it on. Or, ignore it. Be "woe is me" for the rest of your life if you want! But to those I care about.. I'll not let them fall. I'm just a jackass like that :) It's called being a true friend.
*throws the wooden pointer at Jeremy* I said WAKE UP! Do you WANT to fail my class and never go to college and live with your mom your whole life??
*ahem* Well.. The reason I know these lessons is becausee... I had to go through them myself. Don't you dare think I don't understand, because I do. Trust me, i really do. To close, I have a poem I wrote (copyrighted, blah blah, you know the drill):
You are Beautiful
Beyond the wall you put up so high
The one always broken, crumbling
Covering the pain and the reflection
Of a face you do not want to claim "It's mine"
I see something else hidden inside
Beside the girl who doesn't believe
That the world is a playground full of life
Only a battlefield where it's all ugly
There's a heart so beautiful, there it resides
And you don't want to look at yourself
You don't want to admit to the goodness
The rest of the world is just so perfect
And you don't think you're part of it
But I see hope where you see dark
There is a way when you do not find
No matter what you think or what they say
I know you're beautiful and quite alive
Behind your eyes so dead with pain
Hiding behind the walls you put up
You're secretly waiting for the walls to break
But you're scared of what is the world beyond
--To this I say, do not fret
The world is like a mirror, it reflects
Whatever it is you want to see
And if, my dear, you believe
Then the world can reflect your beauty.
Drink of the words, think about them.... and I'll see you after class! ;) Now, go start your homework... which is to look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Not one of those constipated fake smiles.. but a true, genuine smile.
Class dismissed!
Posted at 04:52 pm by drmgurl4evr
Jan 30, 2005
"Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Where is that place that "we only know"? Somewhere. Somewhere out there, as always, like in the songs, like your instincts tell you. Ah, but there is a catch! To get in, you must shed the shields, the walls, the extra layers, and simply be you--all of you. And I don't mean in a physical sense, as if your twig & berries or melons are hanging out for the world to see, which, FYI, we *don't* need to see thank you.... it's more of a mental thing. To get to that place, you must let them see all of you, all the sides of you. Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it?
But it isn't. How many different sides of yourself do you have? Frankly, I think we all have a little bit of bipolar dissorder, and I'm not joking. How many times have you been happy, the next minute devastated, the next curious, and the other afraid? It isn't an easy thing to let people see all of who you are, in fact, most people don't do it in a lifetime. Me? No, not quite yet. Close, but no cigar. Only one person knows who I am, truly am, and yet not even fully yet. He knows the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I'm not even sure if he'll discover everything, as I'm a puzzle yet to be solved by even myself... I think that duty will be up to my future husband.
It's funny, people know different sides o me, and they assume that's how I am. But they don't know *why* I'm that way, they don't know the stories behind who I am. Why do I shy away from love? At the same time, why do I run towards it and am willing to risk everything? Well, there's no way in hell I could even explain. I couldn't even explain the simple ones like why I'm confident sometimes and other times I am self conscious... you'd just have to be me. It all depends on the situation, the time, the everything.
Now, i know you all know what I'm talking about. Come on! It doesn't mean that you're not yourself when you're these different sides... as they're all a part of who you are as a whole. Yup, the complexities of existance. This is why you get mood swings and crazy pregnant women :p The trick is finding someone to let see everything... that's the hard part. It's like showing them this incredible secret you've kept your whole life.... like saying what's the secret sauce, how to do that magic trick, why donald trump's hair looks like crap--all secrets of the universe. But, of course, it's more personal.
I keep having these dreams with this super hot guys beyond belief... & trust me, I'm nto complaining :D raawr.... But you know how you can tell they're not... they're not... well, they're not... they just, aren't. Sure, I'd let them wrap their arm around me, I'd play along with their games and even let them steal a kiss, but while that's all in good fun, there was just something missing. I couldn't shed my skin completely. No, I'm not a snake.. think metaphors here. You know someone understands and are able to keep the secrets of yourself safe, when you can feel complete around them.. and I simply didn't. Fun times, but that's all. But there are those other dreams... the ones that invoke feelings that nobody could possibly dream up on their own... and that's when I feel complete. It's kind of the feeling I get when I talk to you-know-who, and why i know it's safe to show every side of me. I'm a tortured soul and nobody else knows that... except maybe you (now) and him--but aren't we all? It's not like my optimism is fake... heck, that's what keeps me going... but it is the times when i lose it that others rarely see, because I choose to show the strong side to give others hope. We're all playing this Game of Life, it's called strategy. Of course, my goal isn't to win, it's merely to help others along the way as I get to my real prize... the ability to share all of me to that someone.
Few people know the pain of showing such good sides all the time. A mask. I admit to doing it too, there's nothing wrong with it. It's the price we pay to give others a ray of sunshine, and one that few are willing to pay. But I am. Isn't ignorance bliss, after all? I am who I am, and that's all I can be... that's what people see. It isn't a "side" of me, no, it IS me. Maybe not all of me, but ME nonetheless.
So what's your homework for today, kiddies? Show someone a different side of you, one they don't normally see. Those who love you will accept different sides of you... and it's those who accept all of you who you want to associate with. Because only with those people will you be able to find the simple thing and that place "somewhere only we know".. . that simple thing is trust, that place is your heart.
"Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin "
Are YOU ready to begin?
Posted at 11:04 am by drmgurl4evr
Oct 6, 2004
So today for school, we have this thing called "Student Planning Day", where basically the whole student body meets with an advisor to discuss their future and their classes and majors and whatnot. So, I'm walking to O'Connor hall when I pass a blonde guy with a skateboard on his back, and I smile at him and go merrily on my way to class, thinking nothing of it.
But then when I get closer to where I'm suppossed to be, I realize, "Wait--wow, he was pretty cute actually". Alas though, it is too late! He is probably long gone by now!
I check my watch and see that I really do have to get to where I'm suppossed to be in O'Connor Hall, because I don't know where it is exactly. So I go to the building and head up the stairs on the outside, when suddenly, BAM! I see the same guy I saw earlier that morning. Sadly I realize, I have to get to my appointment! I slowly walk up the stairs, trying to see which way the guy is going through the little slits in the stairs.... and I see him just standing there. Like, a few feet right in front of me--or as in front of me as possible, with a staircase in between us. Just literally, standing there, as if he was waiting for something. And I look at him for a bit, but notice that I'm going to be late! So........... blech, I head on up the stairs and go to my meeting for fear of being late.
Chance.
Will I see that guy ever again? Probably not. But for a brief second, it was nice to feel.. normal. Perhaps he wasn't waiting for me to maybe ask my name or even staring at me... perhaps he was just as lost as me and was just wondering where to go.... It doesn't matter. The point is, it was a chance, it was an opportunity. Whether I should have taken it or not is debatable, but it isn't important.
The idea that chance exists is enough. As another door closes, another one opens. :) Right? Now, who knows, I might see him again by some small margin of chance, ya never know. It just feels amazing, you know, to feel like a normal girl... to feel as if I can be chased, as if someone is willing to leap into something with me. It was like how I felt when a stranger asked me to dance for the first time. People aren't intimidated by me here... and if they are, at least there are others to balance it out. Normal is a state of mind, I know, but ignorance is bliss ^_~
Here's my piece of advice for today:
Carpe diem!
--Drmgurl
Posted at 01:01 pm by drmgurl4evr
Oct 4, 2004
You all know what I think of perfection... I think it's just an ideal that nobody should have to deal with in this lifetime. Perfection is not all it's cut out to be at first glance.
So, you can all imagine the non-happiness when people say how "perfect" I am. I'm smart, funny, witty, sexy, etc. etc. I'm the "perfect girl", so-to-speak. At least, that's what *they* say anyway. Though, obviously, I have a more precise definition of who I am... which is simply, Faith.
But see, I don't get it. If I'm so great to all sorts of people... why is it that nobody else seems to realize this? The people--namely, boys--that I want to notice this, well, they are oblivious to it. And the people who already realize this... they let me go as if I'm a pebble instead of the priceless amethyst they so describe. Why am I plagued by ones who say I'm so wonderful, that I'm "one of the greatest people" they've ever met, and yet decide to run off with someone else or leave me hanging like a piece of string? Ha! I'm laughing now because I find it hilarious... if that is how they treat the "greatest people" in their lives, how do they treat the "so-so" ones? Oh boy. You know, I think they take the saying too close to heart:
"If you love something let it go
If it comes back, it is yours
If it doesn't, it never was."
While I completely & utterly agree with that... There is NO way in hell I'd let go of something like that. But I've never actually had the great opportunity that I'm so destined to have. Not yet, anyway. There've been "Oh--I could imagine marrying them" guys... but to be honest, they never quite gave me that chance. In fact, I don't believe there ever really *was* a chance, or I would have snatched it. It is this exact combination... the lack of chance, and the consistant lack of it... that makes the days go so slow.
Do you all realize how long I've been single? I'm not going to relish in this fact because I find it atrocious at times. Though, sometimes I feel freedom, but for the most part that's just a cover-up for my sobbing. You know, I swore to myself a long time ago that I wouldn't put myself in a position to be hurt... then, as Fate would have it, I did. Big time. And then I coined the phrase (which I've used a billion times thus far in my blogs): "Heartbreak is inevitable but worth it everytime". Even though I've tried to hold onto that hope, does it make the sting last a little less longer? Why, if there was such a thing that could come up with such results, i'd buy it in a heartbeat.
Gosh, I remember when I *had* a boyfriend back in the day. Those were some good times. Those were the days of opportunity! And now...
But the whole part in being strong means... well, you have to be strong. Quite a bitch, ain't it? I really want to end my non-boyfriend streak... I really do. & I'm tired of waiting. I'm TIRED of it, do you all hear me? I would never in my wildest dreams allow my enemies to endure such waiting... waiting is the worst punishment you could ever put onto someone. The worst.
When is it my turn? I don't want to be tossed aside like a dirty rag anymore. I don't want to be nice about it anymore either.. I'm not going to take it anymore. The great thing about being stong is.. as I said before... well, you have to be strong. You can be strong, you're able to.
Now, I'm not saying I'm going to put on fishnets and go galavanting around the town--though honestly, sounds like fun. I *am* however going to take chances, risks, or whatever you like to call it. Taking risks is a surefire way to get your heart smashed into bits. The good thing about it all? Your heart will heal.
Perfection be damned! I am not perfect. And if perfection means having people back away from you, then i don't want to be perfect anyhow. Someone else can have it! I know what I'm worth... I just want someone else to see it. I don't want a boyfriend because I want a boyfriend... I want someone who can understand me, who can appreciate me. In the span of months, I've realized things a girl shouldn't have to realize until they're in their 30's, it's been tough.
Maybe one day the rain will fall
To wash away my salty tears
Wash away, wash away it all
Please save me from my undying fears
Lonesome, alone, trapped, confused
No, I will not succumb to such a fate
Violated, hurt, so abused
End my undying wait.
Well, if I am the girl all the girls want to be... and I am the girl all the guys want to be with.... Then take it all back. Someone can have this persona then. I cherish being loved, I do... it means a lot to me that people think so highly of me... But I want the speculation to end. I'm not a flawless diamond. Otherwise people would not throw me away so easily.
But the only thing I want... is for someone to treat me like I *am* that flawless diamond.
(Oh gosh, hear comes a Titanic quote! run for cover!) "Never let go, Jack... never let go."
Seriously though...the point of all this is not to complain or whine or be bitchy....but to question. To question Aphrodite and say:
"Hey--if I'm Helen, where is my Paris? For Troy has long burned... and now I am simply waiting."
My past is littered with tears. But all it means it that the tears are being left behind. Ahead of me, I see smiles and laughter and joy I have never imagined. I have a mysterious past because... Because I do. A lady with a mysterious past will always be a lady with a mysterious past, unless one is able to venture forth through a door left open by her. Only in my dreams do things seem normal.
Again I've come to the realization.... the past is simply thus, the past. Who knows what will come tomorrow? Nobody can see into the future. The one thing that makes the difference is taking that one step forward, into the unknown, into a future yet paved.
Watch that step, ya'll, it's a doosey!
--Drmgurl
Posted at 09:41 pm by drmgurl4evr
Oct 2, 2004
No no... I'll do it later.
Procrastinators! All ye procrastin-a-mators step forward!
And no, I'm not a goody two shoes, I am *not* immune to procrastination. Unless you're a cronic perfectionist (aka: You have a big something up your butt) or have tremendous, out-of-this-world work ethic (can you say "relax"?).... then you're just like the rest of us "I'll do it later" humanoids.
What's great about procrastination is that it's kind of like anything. Anything in excess is bad for you. In moderation, it's fine. Drinking at the same time does not mix. Quitting is hard to do, the cold turkey method doesn't always work straight away. But yeah, you got the idea.
If you read what I said earlier and don't have an attentioin span of a fly.... then you'll notice I said that in moderation it's okay. And simply put, it's true. Just like alky, if you use it in moderation, no harm done. In fact, the same as alky, using in moderation can actually be good for you. Though, for alky, it is more to do for health reasons and for procrastination more for mental reasons really. However, "moderation" might not be what you think it is, it is actually very small. Like for alcohol, for example, it's about 2 12. oz. glasses of beer, or 1 for women, which isn't much when you think about *other* peoplo's drinking habits. For procrastination, it's also less... but as is the case with everyone, my cup 'o tea might not be suited for ya.
But yes, I do think Procrastination is necessary sometimes. First though, I need a shorthand term for procrastination... it's too long! How 'bout... procras?.. or procs?... ooh, I like procs. That sounds good. So, for the record, "procs." = "procrastination" :-D Anywho... so yes, it is necessary. Why? If not, you'd go even more insane thatn you already are! Do you *really* want to become one of those people who are addicted to coffee 'cuz they hafta do everything at the right time and right away and are all jittery and have bags under their eyes that rival the size of pillows--which is something they haven't seen for a long time from all that staying awake.
*gasp* But is not that same description of a coffee-hoarding, shakey guy with bags under their eyes also the same description for a someone who procs.? True, good observation! You get a cookie!
But! Remember when I said "in moderation"... you only get into the shakey stage when you practice procs. too much. So when you start smelling coffee everywhere ("Where's the coffee??!! I smell it! Ooh, I want some! Where where!"), then perhaps you need some help.
In moderation basically means... you don't have to stress out to do things right away. Take your time, but don't b.s. it, but do a good job. Life is too short to be so incredibly serious. 'Cuz otherwise you'll develop what's known as the "monotone voice" and you'll bore people to death with such seriousness when you're talking about silly things like The Bachlorette, which are meant to be silly. Schoolwork should be taken seriously, you say? Well, damn schoolwork! Schoolwork does not determine the kind of person you are. you can be a jerk and still get straight A's. You can also be the nicest person and get C's. Frankly, wouldn't you rather be the nice one with bad grades? Then you can take advantage of how nice you are and bribe your professors--I mean.... nevermind. As i said though... grades? Who gives a rip.
Take things seriously to some extent... don't go wacko over it. Take care of yourself before you take care of anything else. Certain things are important.... but if you go insane from taking things way too seriously, will it really matter if you passed your econ class when you're shipped to an asylum yelling "Oh no! The clock! The cloooooock!"? Ha, I think not!
So y'know what, if you've studied for 2 hours already, or just need a day to unwind (not "rewind" as I once said when i was really tired--due to not procrastinating enough!)... and you get the urge to play metal gear solid and kick everyone's butt....then Mr. Snake, you go shoot some bad guys and have fun!!
Well, basically this is my way of justifying the fact that I did absolutely no homework yet whatsoever and am deciding to cram all my homework in tomorrow, on sunday. :-D ... You must admit though.. I make a damn good case.
I would ask all the procrastinators to give me a big "hurrah!"... but I wouldn't hear from them for a few years. Lol.
So, Ciao! Enjoy life and not a silly schedule!
--Drmgurl
Posted at 08:31 pm by drmgurl4evr
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